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Kwinana United V ALFC


Kwinana United v ALFC

Amateur Cup Round 1

The first round of the cup is upon us, with the lads being drawn against the lower division side ALFC. In typical shit amateur club fashion, ALFC forfeited their reserves match, meaning the reserves would take on the socials in a scratch match and go straight through into round 2.

Initially, Local Land Owner Jimmy Findlay announced that both teams would wear their home kits but not to fear they won’t clash as reserves would wear white stripes on red shirts and socials would wear red stripes on white shirts. Clearly, he’d sunk a few too many Corona’s when the announcement was made.

With a few mystery injuries, including an inflamed sack for young Jacob Engelsman, the reserves team was seriously depleted meaning the human egg, Elliott Egan, stepped up to play for them. One notable return is that of Leith “The Wall” Hinds, The Wall is up there in the pantheon of shit nicknames as he does not seem to grasp the simple notion that walls do not move, though at his advanced age, neither does he.

The game got off to a flyer with some quick goals for the reserves, and the reserves losing their shape pretty quickly. Dan Willars was seemingly marking himself at right back but did manage to turn the imposter Dan inside out with his signature move, the Chinese Takeaway.

Late in the game, things took a turn for the worse for the social lads… Now, we’ve seen the Rumble in the Jungle, the Thriller in Manilla. But never before have we seen the Jelly at Kelly with the Unhappy Hose Man, Chris Fenton, taking on his Yorkshire brethren Leo Darke in a fight that could more be described less UFC and more Jelly Wrestling. A true Battle for Bradford!

Onto the first team now, there were a few changes to last week with Jason “That’s not a fine” Peacock, the original Adam Johnson (Jason Totten) and Kwinana’s own fashionista Chris Holland coming into the team (Note, see below the Spy’s artist impression of Chris’ “fashion”).

The lads got off to a flyer with James Corden beating the offside trap twice to put Kwinana 2-0 up early. A couple of errors from Luke Rennie opened the door to let ALFC get 2 goals back before Benson hit a 30 yarder to get the boys back in the lead.

Continuing his rapid ascent in the Kwinana ranks, Sean Lynn went from Linesman straight into the team as a keeper. To be fair to him, he looked better 6 pints down at training than he did in this game as he let himself get beaten at his near post to bring ALFC back into the game. He looked only a shadow of the man who once kept a clean sheet against a much older Michael Owen for Hull under 13s. Half time, 3-3.

A couple of subs at half time seemed to do the trick as the lads came out fired up. Corden ended up scoring more goals than the Dockers, Chris Holland made up for missing an absolute sitter in the first half by bagging his first goal for Kwinana and apparently big Gary Lundo got one too. Late in the game, Big Horse was brought on for Glen Smith in a like for like substitution. He made sure the result would go Kwinana’s way.

It ended up 7-3 to Kwinana, 4 unanswered goals in the second half really showed how dominant the lads can be. Onwards and upwards to next weeks game against Jaguar FC, I’m sure big Chunk will be in his element then!

XOXO – Gossip Girl

PS. Bonus points to anyone who can come up with the best meaning for ALFC, no fucking idea what it stands for!