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Kwinana V South Perth


Welcome to Kwinana United’s first game back in Division 1, with new coaches, new box nets and freshly painted goalposts, expectations were high for a great day of football. The pitch was in great condition and the lines so straight you’d have thought Chunk had cut them on a mirror; the hours of hard work in pre-season were about to pay off for all 3 teams.

The day got off to a hectic start in the Social game, with 11 goals scored (and surprisingly not all by the other team!) including a self-declared “screamer” from Fat Man Scoop himself, Elliott Egan. Unfortunately, the lads went down 7-4 to a strong Armadale team.

Onto the amateurs now, with reserves kicking off the season with a solid 2-1 victory although all wasn’t so rosy with the lads going down 1-0 early after a long ball over the top left captain Neil Evans looking rather sheepish as a result. With the loss of Clint “Big Horse” Brown to a serious condition of holidayitis, there were serious fears that there’d be no one to miss a ridiculous amount of sitters in a game but young Jacob Engelsman stepped up to fill that gap. Surely a fine should be coming his way for only putting away 1 of many chances in the game, maybe some shooting practice is in order for Thursday night… Another cheeky fine came the way of player-coach, Mr Tic Tac, Carlos who managed to step-over his way to not scoring, even with the keeping laying flat on the ground! Late into the second half, reserves talismanic hero Sean Lynn came on not to rapturous applause from the masses, but the clap from a single lady.

The first team squad was missing some players this week, with Andy Morton at a festival, Shane Nunes and Benson suspended. Jamie was out with a back injury, Jay with a shoulder injury and Leith suffering from old age. With so many missing, coach Kris Donnell was still able to put out a strong team.

The first team started off strong with Lee Bates going close on a few occasions before finally putting one in the back of the net, shame we couldn’t say that last year. Gary Lunt, after missing most of preseason, managed to get out of his barricaded room conveniently in time for the first game of the season. Although after missing an absolute sitter from 6 yards out after a Lee Bates header across goal, he should probably go back there.

An early injury to Lewy meant a Kwinana United debut for Phil Smith, although it seemed on several occasions his lack of pre-season was showing after literally forgetting how to run and falling face first into the pitch.

Into the second half it was our Captain who put the game beyond doubt, bagging the second goal with a cheeky run and left footed finish. Smithy put in a man of the match performance, throwing out step-overs like its 2005 and generally looking quite fresh and ready for the season. Whether this is due to his all new vegan diet or the fact he has done fuck all for the last few years caused much debate in the stands. Soon after, South Perth were reduced to 10 men after their Centre Half brought down Jordan on the edge of the box when through on goal. Batesy stepped up and left the fans a little disappointed with a free kick that can only be described as more Johnny Wilkinson than Dimitri Payet.

The game ended 2-0, a great start to the season for all involved. I can’t believe we have to wait a whole week to play the next game at Subiaco!

The Chalk Hill Spy