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Subiaco v Kwinana United


Perched atop the mighty Chalk Hill, the spy was preparing to make his first venture out of Kwinana in many years. With the ever trustworthy guidance of the Football West fixtures, the spy made his way out to Rosalie Park for Kwinana’s second round game against Subiaco AFC.

As 1pm arrived, the spy made his way through the myriad of pitches at the ground just in time for kick off of the reserves, or so he thought… the game was already 15 minutes in and the lads were down 3-0 already, it’s almost as though the lads had forgotten to warm up! The lads looked more like ice skaters and less like footballers as they continued to leak more goals.

The game ended 6-0 to Subiaco, with Kwinana down to 10 men after first team coach and reserves superstar Pat Amato was sent off for a vicious stomp on an unsuspecting minor playing for boys in yellow and maroon. The game was so dire the most notable incident was when Rom John spat it at half time and refused to do the line during the second, most likely because Evansy called him Boris.

At this point, news was filtering through that socials also went down 3-0 to Fremantle Croatia in a very winnable game for the lads. Word is, the blame is being put on the Big Mac himself, Iain Koch, for some terrible glove work in the box.

On to the first team, there were two changes to the line up this week: Cocky out (but don’t fine him) replaced by Phil Smith, and, Jordan dropped to the bench to make way for Big Horse’s glorious return, who was champing at the bit to get out and frolic in his new pasture. Reserves talisman, Sean Lynn, was declared medically clear to play this week and was promptly promoted to first team linesman, a moment he should be truly proud of. Finally, with a fist full of Nurofen and skin full of piss, Chunky managed to drag himself off curb and into the heart of defence.

The game got off to a solid start, with Kwinana putting a lot of pressure on the Subiaco defence; a couple of rasping shots from distance by big Lee Bates put their keeper on notice. The lads went down after a quick breakaway that went against the run of play.

Shit touches, shit passes and even shitter tackles defined the rest of the first half. During the break, young Ollie was brought off for Benson in a move that saw Kwinana taking on a more attacking mentality.

As the rain poured, so did the shower of shite on the pitch, with conditions making the game more and more unplayable. Eventually, Captain fantastic, Glen Smith, who was certainly less influential than last week, managed to work his way into the box and apply his trademark flop to earn a penalty for Kwinana. It is rumoured that the dive has taken a heady toll on Smithy and he may have injured himself in the process. With the memory of last week’s dire freekcik effort, Batesy stepped up and emphatically slammed home the penalty, cheered on by the crowd including Chris Holland who was dressed up like Fenian Telly-tubby.

With a few chances at both ends and some amazing saves by Long Dong Higgins, the game ended up 1-1. A fair result on the day, with a hard earned draw that felt better with coming from behind. Substitute Jordan O’Brien seemed to leave right after the game, either he left without showering or he changes outfits quicker than Sean Lynn changes accents!

I’m buzzing for next weeks game already lads, let’s make sure we all get down to training this week lads!

Yours in Football,

The Chalk Hill Spy